Don’t ask, don’t tell

February 22, 2007 · Posted in Blogging the disease 

I have been battling my depression lately and truth be told, it is winning. It really doesn’t help that I have contacted two different doctors and neither of them have called me back. That is really helpful to someone in my mental state.

It’s getting harder and harder to get out of bed and don’t get me started on work. It has been hectic there lately and since I am not dealing well with stress it is only a matter of time before something snaps. Hopefully when that happens it won’t be something that causes me to lose my job.

I have to force myself to eat at the moment. I just have no interest in food or eating. I remember what happened the last time I got this way. The only problem is that when it gets worse I won’t even be willing to force myself to eat. Although I have also been known to start binge eating when it gets worse. That is the worst part about my depression, I never know what is going to happen next because it seems different each time.

Back to the doctor thing. This is really bothering me and is making it hard for me to cope. Because I can’t even get these doctors to call me back I have basically given up. I don’t think I will be trying to call any other doctors because that whole rejection thing is biting me hard.

Sorry for yet another change to the look of the blog. I am going minimalistic for now. It loads faster, but only when the host isn’t crapping out on me. I need another soda to drink and there aren’t any in the house. I don’t really feel like going out right at the moment as it is too darn early.

I can’t imagine the toll this is taking on my girls either. Because of everything that is going on with me mentally my ability to take anything is pretty much nill. So the girls really don’t have to do much to send me into a screaming rage. I know it scares the crap out of them, it scares me too. I have never hurt anyone in one of my rages but like I said I never know because it is different every time.

I am going to go back to bed now and hopefully wake up in a better state of mind. I doubt it, but I can hope can’t I?

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Comments

6 Responses to “Don’t ask, don’t tell”

  1. cassie-b says:
    2/22/2007 at 3:02 pm

    hang in there. Just keep trying.

  2. ariadneK says:
    2/22/2007 at 4:42 pm

    Minimalist = lookin’ good. :-)

    As for your depression, I’ve been there, during the “low” points…I wish I could do or say something to make you feel better.

  3. Jeff A says:
    2/22/2007 at 5:02 pm

    @ cassie-b
    I am amazed at the amount of phone calls I have had to make today and so far there hasn’t been one positive response!

    @ ariadneK
    I too wish there was a magic word or saying to make it all better. There is so much about this disease that I still just don’t understand.
    Thanks for stopping by!

  4. Linda says:
    2/22/2007 at 6:11 pm

    Jeff. Please tell me something I can do. If you just need someone to listen, or whatever, you can IM me. I hate to think of you like this. I’m saying a prayer for you right now. You’ve always been there for me and I appreciate that. Does it help at all to count your blessings?
    You’ve got a handsome blog ;-)

  5. Jeff A says:
    2/22/2007 at 11:59 pm

    [quote comment="11771"]Jeff. Please tell me something I can do… I’m saying a prayer for you right now. [/quote]
    A prayer is the best thing I could hope for at the moment!