Blogging the disease « Jeff’s Darn Blog

Oh behave!

Alright, I haven’t blogged about this yet as I didn’t want to jinx myself. I have been trying something new for my depression. I got tired of all the prescription drugs and their less than nice side effects. I had tried the herbal route before when I tried St. Johns Wort, which worked but gave me a horrid case of diarrhea.

Enter the next attempt at doing this without making my doctor rich. SAMe, I had heard of it awhile back and promptly forgot about it because of the whole St. Johns Wort debacle. I have been on SAMe for awhile now and I have been nothing but happy with the results. My mood has been more upbeat and positive than it has been in such a long time. I actually have energy when I wake up in the morning, that alone is worth the price of admission. I usually have to drag myself out of bed and even then I just go plop into a chair and either mess around on my computer or watch tv, depended on which chair I made it to.

I have been able to go out and do stuff without having either be nagged into it or forced. Today I actually went out and mowed my lawn, so what you ask. Well to me that is a step in the right direction. I usually put that off till the weekend, or the next one, or the next one. You know how it goes, I would procrastinate it away till we lost the dog in the yard!

As I continue down this trail I will be trying to update on whats going on with this treatment as I think to. I already learned that I may be taking too much. I was following the directions on the box and it seems that most doctors actually tell you to take about half that or less. That might explain my problem with sleeplessness that I have been dealing with for a few days!

Peace out y’all.

I finally figured it out!

My therapist asked me awhile back how I felt when I get up to go to work every day. At the time I just couldn’t put it into words other than panicked. Today I came up with the perfect analogy!

I feel like a cat that has just been thrown into a lake! Frenzied, flustered and ready to fight!

Yeah, maybe it is time to reconsider my career choice.

There is not enough Xanax in the world.

I am all worked up about going back to work tonight. I need to do something besides popping pills to get myself slowed down. The last thing I need is to have another breakdown there.

Right now my head is throbbing and my hands are shaking, which is making it darn hard to type. Lots of correcting going on here. I can feel that weird skin crawling sensation. I really hate that part as it makes me very uncomfortable.

I could have stayed in bed right up till time to go to work but I don’t think my dogs would appreciate that at all. You know for as big as Basset Hounds are, they sure have small bladders!

Argyle Socks and Cheese Doodles

Well first off I have come up with a big ol bug in the new system so it is on hold for a bit while I work that out. In the meantime I guess I should keep on blogging!

I am still suffering from a lack of enthusiasm. I think it may just be my lazy showing through now. I know that most of the other symptoms have backed off a bit and you would think that enthusiasm would climb but no such luck. I keep thinking I really need to climb back on the horse and start taking photos again but so far I have avoided it.

Work has been really crazy lately. We have been super busy and overtime has been the rule instead of the exception. It seems like just when we get caught up we get behind again. Sounds like the rest of life, doesn’t it?

Visit with doctor went alright I guess. He seemed a little flaky, ok a lot flaky. He put me on another anti-inflammatory and told me to come back in a month, what the heck. My knee is buckling on me all the time now. I am in constant pain. And he wants me to take this and see him in a month. Sounds like he wants to siphon a little off my insurance to me. I might be wrong, but it sure seems that way to me!

I watched the Celebrity roast of William Shatner on Comedy Central the other night and I was unimpressed. I was waiting for them to break out the white sheets and burning cross. They were to busy picking on the Nichelle Nichols and George Takei to busy themselves with old Willie boy. Gay seemed to be the order of the night also as everyone was taking a poke(pardon the pun) at Georeg Takei and his sexual preferences. Of course they had to have Andy Dick on there I guess so George wouldn’t seem too gay! I remember when the celebrity roasts were funny, now they just nasty and hurtful, oh well.

The kids are off to school now so I can get a little more sleep before I start my day. I really do prefer to get in at least eight hours. It would be nice if it was uninterrupted but that never happens.

Is that smoke I smell?

I have something in my head that is trying to get out. It is not yet ready for blog time but I think a few more days of stewing in my head will either bring it out or burn it up once and for all!

In other news I have noticed a definite upswing in my ability to spend time with something. I love to read, I used to do it all the time. Lately I have had trouble spending more than a few hours per week with a book. I have been devouring books for the last few days. I will attribute this to the new medications.

I have been in a much better mood lately. I am back to seeing the humor in odd situations. This was something I was always good at. Some people hated it, others came to count on it. Either way I am glad it is back!

K going to bed now!

Not entirely unhappy

I am hoping that the upswing in my mood over the last couple days is due to my new meds and not just wishful thinking. I have been not all to entirely unhappy. Now if I could just get this knee fixed I would be about as normal as I get!

I haven’t been posting lately because, well, there just isn’t that much happening. There has been a lot to do at work and that has kept me pretty busy and too tired to blog.

The girls first day of school is Tuesday, I don’t know if I am looking forward to it or not. I always worry about them on that first day. Wondering if they are doing ok and finding where they need to be. Are they making friends blah blah blah. You know the drill right?

I need some more music to put on my MP3 player and I am open to suggestions. Yes Linda I already have some Replacements on there! I am looking for some high energy music, something to get the blood pumping! Let me know what you think!

It’s time for some whine!

Let’s start with some lyrics:

“Disciplined Breakdown”
Collective Soul

I never ever can remember
All the things that go bump in the night
Quietness uncovers
Betrayal now hovers
And my comfort levels not quite right
I’d love to stay and evaluate
But my torture can’t wait
It seems I’m losing ground
Welcome all to my disciplined breakdown

I never ever can decipher
Who listens to the words I say
While I sense I’m searching
I never know who’s lurking
To scare my sacred thoughts away
I’d love to hang and chat a while
But my mind’s become vile
It seems I’m losing ground
Welcome all to my disciplined breakdown

I never ever can contribute
To finding all the faults that sustain
Never mind the answers
To who spreads the cancer
When the questioning of why remains
I’d love to sit and rationalize
But my tongue’s become dry
It seems I’m losing ground
Welcome all to my disciplined breakdown

Breakdown Reality
Breakdown my ability to get it back
Breakdown honestly
Breakdown now deliver me
From all this madness and all this agony

This is my life, although the discipline is not there! Now for what I have to say!

I am tired, emotionally, mentally, and physically beat down and ready to give in. It has been getting more difficult to function everyday. Usually I have checked myself into a hospital before I get this far, but for the sake of my family I am trying to avoid that.

I don’t think I have ever been this far into a depressed state before. My mind races but never crosses the finish line. It is becoming more and more difficult to put on the “happy face” for everyone. I just want to curl up somewhere and cease to exist.

The great thing about all this heat is that I sweat so much no one can tell I am crying. The tears just blend in with the sweat. I have been doing a lot more crying lately too and there seems to not be anything triggering it when I start.

Sometimes I feel like I am drunk and actually stagger around a bit. It feels like I am losing control over my depression.

Scary?
You bet it is!
I am afraid to find out what comes next.

I’m on my way

My heart’s like an open book
For the whole world to read
Sometimes nothing-keeps me together
At the seams

Let’s see if anyone knows what song that comes from, maybe Linda? It has been a harsh week so far. Work is crazy, the world is crazy, heck the only sane thing I have seen so far is myself! No wait, strike that, my psychologist would disagree!

Speaking of my Psych. He is referring me for testing for ADD, well there’s a big surprise. I have been asking about the possibility for awhile now and no one would pay attention. I still think it may be the reason that even though I am being treated for my depression I am fighting with symptoms that could be from either disease. It really would be nice to lead a semi-normal life for once instead of feeling like a runaway train most of the time!

I am hoping to be back to a normal schedule here soon. As I said, work has been crazy. We’ve been really busy and being able to work in several different areas has played to my disadvantage lately. I don’t know whether I am coming or going most of the time. As long as I get my work done in a timely manner, I guess I should be happy.

Hey does anyone know how to get gravy out of a keyboard? I just dropped some in from my yummylicious frozen dinner.

Just two more things!

1) I want my camera back now dear, I really am missing having it with me!
2) No really, can I have my camera now?

Peace out yo! Catch ya on the flip side. (OW I think I just spanned a couple generations with that)