Alright, I haven’t blogged about this yet as I didn’t want to jinx myself. I have been trying something new for my depression. I got tired of all the and their less than nice side effects. I had tried the herbal route before when I tried St. Johns Wort, which worked but gave me a horrid case of diarrhea.

Enter the next attempt at doing this without making my doctor rich. SAMe, I had heard of it awhile back and promptly forgot about it because of the whole St. Johns Wort debacle. I have been on SAMe for awhile now and I have been nothing but happy with the results. My mood has been more upbeat and positive than it has been in such a long time. I actually have energy when I wake up in the morning, that alone is worth the price of admission. I usually have to drag myself out of bed and even then I just go plop into a chair and either mess around on my computer or watch tv, depended on which chair I made it to.

I have been able to go out and do stuff without having either be nagged into it or forced. Today I actually went out and mowed my lawn, so what you ask. Well to me that is a step in the right direction. I usually put that off till the weekend, or the next one, or the next one. You know how it goes, I would procrastinate it away till we lost the dog in the yard!

As I continue down this trail I will be trying to update on whats going on with this treatment as I think to. I already learned that I may be taking too much. I was following the directions on the box and it seems that most doctors actually tell you to take about half that or less. That might explain my problem with sleeplessness that I have been dealing with for a few days!

Peace out y’all.

My therapist asked me awhile back how I felt when I get up to go to work every day. At the time I just couldn’t put it into words other than panicked. Today I came up with the perfect analogy!

I feel like a cat that has just been thrown into a lake! Frenzied, flustered and ready to fight!

Yeah, maybe it is time to reconsider my career choice.

I am all worked up about going back to work tonight. I need to do something besides popping pills to get myself slowed down. The last thing I need is to have another breakdown there.

Right now my head is throbbing and my hands are shaking, which is making it darn hard to type. Lots of correcting going on here. I can feel that weird skin crawling sensation. I really hate that part as it makes me very uncomfortable.

I could have stayed in bed right up till time to go to work but I don’t think my dogs would appreciate that at all. You know for as big as Basset Hounds are, they sure have small bladders!

I have something in my head that is trying to get out. It is not yet ready for blog time but I think a few more days of stewing in my head will either bring it out or burn it up once and for all!

In other news I have noticed a definite upswing in my ability to spend time with something. I love to read, I used to do it all the time. Lately I have had trouble spending more than a few hours per week with a book. I have been devouring books for the last few days. I will attribute this to the new medications.

I have been in a much better mood lately. I am back to seeing the humor in odd situations. This was something I was always good at. Some people hated it, others came to count on it. Either way I am glad it is back!

K going to bed now!

I am hoping that the upswing in my mood over the last couple days is due to my new meds and not just wishful thinking. I have been not all to entirely unhappy. Now if I could just get this knee fixed I would be about as normal as I get!

I haven’t been posting lately because, well, there just isn’t that much happening. There has been a lot to do at work and that has kept me pretty busy and too tired to blog.

The girls first day of school is Tuesday, I don’t know if I am looking forward to it or not. I always worry about them on that first day. Wondering if they are doing ok and finding where they need to be. Are they making friends blah blah blah. You know the drill right?

I need some more music to put on my MP3 player and I am open to suggestions. Yes Linda I already have some Replacements on there! I am looking for some high energy music, something to get the blood pumping! Let me know what you think!

Let’s start with some lyrics:

“Disciplined Breakdown”
Collective Soul

I never ever can remember
All the things that go bump in the night
Quietness uncovers
Betrayal now hovers
And my comfort levels not quite right
I’d love to stay and evaluate
But my torture can’t wait
It seems I’m losing ground
Welcome all to my disciplined breakdown

I never ever can decipher
Who listens to the words I say
While I sense I’m searching
I never know who’s lurking
To scare my sacred thoughts away
I’d love to hang and chat a while
But my mind’s become vile
It seems I’m losing ground
Welcome all to my disciplined breakdown

I never ever can contribute
To finding all the faults that sustain
Never mind the answers
To who spreads the cancer
When the questioning of why remains
I’d love to sit and rationalize
But my tongue’s become dry
It seems I’m losing ground
Welcome all to my disciplined breakdown

Breakdown Reality
Breakdown my ability to get it back
Breakdown honestly
Breakdown now deliver me
From all this madness and all this agony

This is my life, although the discipline is not there! Now for what I have to say!

I am tired, emotionally, mentally, and physically beat down and ready to give in. It has been getting more difficult to function everyday. Usually I have checked myself into a hospital before I get this far, but for the sake of my family I am trying to avoid that.

I don’t think I have ever been this far into a depressed state before. My mind races but never crosses the finish line. It is becoming more and more difficult to put on the “happy face” for everyone. I just want to curl up somewhere and cease to exist.

The great thing about all this heat is that I sweat so much no one can tell I am crying. The tears just blend in with the sweat. I have been doing a lot more crying lately too and there seems to not be anything triggering it when I start.

Sometimes I feel like I am drunk and actually stagger around a bit. It feels like I am losing control over my depression.

Scary?
You bet it is!
I am afraid to find out what comes next.

My heart’s like an open book
For the whole world to read
Sometimes nothing-keeps me together
At the seams

Let’s see if anyone knows what song that comes from, maybe Linda? It has been a harsh week so far. Work is crazy, the world is crazy, heck the only sane thing I have seen so far is myself! No wait, strike that, my psychologist would disagree!

Speaking of my Psych. He is referring me for testing for ADD, well there’s a big surprise. I have been asking about the possibility for awhile now and no one would pay attention. I still think it may be the reason that even though I am being treated for my depression I am fighting with symptoms that could be from either disease. It really would be nice to lead a semi-normal life for once instead of feeling like a runaway train most of the time!

I am hoping to be back to a normal schedule here soon. As I said, work has been crazy. We’ve been really busy and being able to work in several different areas has played to my disadvantage lately. I don’t know whether I am coming or going most of the time. As long as I get my work done in a timely manner, I guess I should be happy.

Hey does anyone know how to get gravy out of a keyboard? I just dropped some in from my yummylicious frozen dinner.

Just two more things!

1) I want my camera back now dear, I really am missing having it with me!
2) No really, can I have my camera now?

Peace out yo! Catch ya on the flip side. (OW I think I just spanned a couple generations with that)

First off, sorry my site is moving very slowly today. Not sure why and tech doesn’t either. Very frustrating!

I was going to post more last night but it seems that my ISP decided to do some “routine” maintenance last night just as I was loading up the page, butt heads.

I am trying out yet another new(to me) drug for my depression. I made a list of all the things I have tried so far and I must say it is quite impressive. I think I have pretty much covered all the SSRI’s now. Hopefully this one will work. Someone here had mentioned it to me and I forget who it was and don’t feel like doing the search to find out who it was. Anyway the doctor brought it up and said that it has a pretty good track record of not only working but working fast. I am all for that fast stuff, I hate feeling cruddy all the time.

I am sooo ready for my trip to Florida. Well ready in the mental sense. As far as everything else, not so much. Oh we have room reservations too. It would be stupid to wait this long to do that. I can almost hear the beach calling me now.

Hey I have a great idea. Why doesn’t everyone who reads here go to Florida too. That way I can have someone to talk to besides the kids. Becky will be in meetings most of the mornings so that leaves me with a 6 and 9 year old to keep entertained.

Sorry that I have changed the look again in such a short period of time but I have discovered the joy of widgets. It makes the site easily customizable. I no longer have to hack into the code to add something all I have to do is drag and drop, awesome! The theme also allows me to change the colors on the fly with a simple click of the mouse. This allows me the freedom to add things quickly and to modify the look in seconds.

I have hit a slump in life that I am trying to crawl out of. I just don’t want to do anything now. It used to be that I just didn’t want to do the hard stuff but now I even have trouble convincing myself to eat something. I have been here before and it is mostly a matter of waiting it out. This usually passes in a day or two.

What I can’t figure out though is the insomnia. I like to sleep. Hell I would sleep all day if they would let me. Now my body won’t let me either. I have trouble falling asleep at night and when I finally do it is usually an hour before the alarm goes off. On those rare occasions when I get to sleep early I usually wake up several times throughout my sleep time which makes it less than restful.

Oh well, it’s always something isn’t it?