Well thank God that week is finally over. The Roadeo Saturday went fairly well. I was a little uncomfortable with all the standing but was able to muddle through. Now I have to sift through over three hundred photos and get them on a disc and sent out. It was nice and warm so I was able to wear shorts for the first time this year. They will now become a significant part of my wardrobe till late fall.

I still haven’t heard anything about my disability. I am starting to worry that I have a long wait on my hands. It has already been a painfully long process and I am hoping it will be over soon.

My Crohn’s has been acting up lately. Lots of pain and a few of the other more delightful symptoms have been in full force. I am still on the fence about using the immunosuppressant, I just don’t think it’s a good idea to suppress my immune system, considering how often I get ill, it could be a big problem.

As usual, my depression isn’t getting any better either. I am afraid they will just keep throwing more medications at it till I am taking my body weight in pills each morning. I had several panic attacks last week, way more than usual, not sure why or what that might mean but at this point all I can say is oh well.

I think this blog has just become a place that I can go to and complain about my life. Maybe someday soon I will get back to posting photos. Anna and I have been trying to take bike rides as much as possible. I am severely out of shape so we are having to take it slow at first. It makes her happy and it gets me out of the house with my camera along for the ride. There are a few interesting things around the neighborhood to photograph. It takes me a few minutes to catch my breath before I can release the shutter though, otherwise the shot is just a blurry mess.

Alright, done, see ya!

I am losing what is left of my sanity. What is with this stupid weather, it was nice yesterday and chilly today.

I am sure I have mentioned my less than stellar therapist here before but in case I haven’t, he still makes me feel worse. Every time I visit I feel worse when I leave than when I got there. Any clues as to why that might be?

I am really wanting to get out and take some pictures but so far I haven’t had the time or inclination. When it’s nice outside I feel like crap and when it’s all blustery and cold I want to go outside, what the heck.

We are coming into the storm season, my favorite part of the year. I am hoping for some good ones this year as the last few have been disappointing. alright, I’m out of here for now.

Hello little blog, I’ve been missing you. I know I have been neglecting you but life has been so crazy lately. Honestly it feels like I haven’t had two minutes of free time. I know that’s not really true, the problem is the depression. It makes me tired and makes me lose interest in things I normally love.

I sleep excessively and when I’m not sleeping, I am staring blankly at the tv or a book and learning nothing. People have been trying to help, they have done things such as schedule events for me and even tried new medications. So far, they have failed.

I just wanted to let you know that I miss you and someday soon I will be back to my regular chatty self, I hope. At any rate maybe I will post more regularly.

see you later,
Jeff A

If you look over to the right in the now reading section you will note that I am currently reading The Maker’s Diet. Yeah thats right, it’s a diet book, but unlike any I have ever tried before. It is biblically based and quite interesting.

I picked this up because the Author, Jordan S. Rubin, has Chrones disease also. His was much worse than mine, he was pretty much on deaths door as he wasn’t responding to conventional treatment. He had begun trying everything that was recommended to him in the hopes of getting better.

The Maker’s diet is the result of his journey through illness. That is far from the whole story but if you really want to hear it all you should buy the book. The diet part itself is going to be hard as I will be required to give up a few things that I really love, the main one being pork. On the plus side I have already found alternatives to most of the pork products that I consume.

Hopefully following this diet will bring my digestive system back into some semblance of normality. Feeling this way all the time is very tiring and really doesn’t help with the depression all that much either.

I will try to keep you abreast of my progress through this blog when I start. I have to read through the whole book and prepare myself for this as it will be hard for me when everyone else in the house is eating something that I can no longer have. I have been dropping a few things here and there from my diet already so that I don’t have to drop everything all at once and go into some strange frenzy the first time I see someone eating bacon. I have added a category for this, hopefully I will stick to this and make some progress before I wimp out!

What do you do when you have nothing to say?

Write a ambling post about nothing just to appease the blogiverse!

I should be asleep right now, couldn’t do it. Tried, failed, surrendered.

Stopped taking the SAM-e for awhile to see if it might be the cause of my gastric disturbances of late. If it is I will be disappointed as it is the first thing I have taken that genuinely made a dent in the depression.

I was walking through the Sahara this afternoon, my side yard, and was thinking that right now Astroturf might not be a bad idea. I would be way ahead of everyone else right now in the green department. They say it is slippery when it is wet but considering the drought conditions that won’t be a problem. Oh, and it won’t turn brown when the dog pees on it either, stupid dog. Not that his urinary problems are having any effect at the moment but if it ever turns green again you will still be able to tell where he went!

I think I will try to sleep again, the pastor doesn’t like it when I fall asleep during the service.

I am all worked up about going back to work tonight. I need to do something besides popping pills to get myself slowed down. The last thing I need is to have another breakdown there.

Right now my head is throbbing and my hands are shaking, which is making it darn hard to type. Lots of correcting going on here. I can feel that weird skin crawling sensation. I really hate that part as it makes me very uncomfortable.

I could have stayed in bed right up till time to go to work but I don’t think my dogs would appreciate that at all. You know for as big as Basset Hounds are, they sure have small bladders!

I have been battling my depression lately and truth be told, it is winning. It really doesn’t help that I have contacted two different doctors and neither of them have called me back. That is really helpful to someone in my mental state.

It’s getting harder and harder to get out of bed and don’t get me started on work. It has been hectic there lately and since I am not dealing well with stress it is only a matter of time before something snaps. Hopefully when that happens it won’t be something that causes me to lose my job.

I have to force myself to eat at the moment. I just have no interest in food or eating. I remember what happened the last time I got this way. The only problem is that when it gets worse I won’t even be willing to force myself to eat. Although I have also been known to start binge eating when it gets worse. That is the worst part about my depression, I never know what is going to happen next because it seems different each time.

Back to the doctor thing. This is really bothering me and is making it hard for me to cope. Because I can’t even get these doctors to call me back I have basically given up. I don’t think I will be trying to call any other doctors because that whole rejection thing is biting me hard.

Sorry for yet another change to the look of the blog. I am going minimalistic for now. It loads faster, but only when the host isn’t crapping out on me. I need another soda to drink and there aren’t any in the house. I don’t really feel like going out right at the moment as it is too darn early.

I can’t imagine the toll this is taking on my girls either. Because of everything that is going on with me mentally my ability to take anything is pretty much nill. So the girls really don’t have to do much to send me into a screaming rage. I know it scares the crap out of them, it scares me too. I have never hurt anyone in one of my rages but like I said I never know because it is different every time.

I am going to go back to bed now and hopefully wake up in a better state of mind. I doubt it, but I can hope can’t I?

I am hoping that the upswing in my mood over the last couple days is due to my new meds and not just wishful thinking. I have been not all to entirely unhappy. Now if I could just get this knee fixed I would be about as normal as I get!

I haven’t been posting lately because, well, there just isn’t that much happening. There has been a lot to do at work and that has kept me pretty busy and too tired to blog.

The girls first day of school is Tuesday, I don’t know if I am looking forward to it or not. I always worry about them on that first day. Wondering if they are doing ok and finding where they need to be. Are they making friends blah blah blah. You know the drill right?

I need some more music to put on my MP3 player and I am open to suggestions. Yes Linda I already have some Replacements on there! I am looking for some high energy music, something to get the blood pumping! Let me know what you think!

My heart’s like an open book
For the whole world to read
Sometimes nothing-keeps me together
At the seams

Let’s see if anyone knows what song that comes from, maybe Linda? It has been a harsh week so far. Work is crazy, the world is crazy, heck the only sane thing I have seen so far is myself! No wait, strike that, my psychologist would disagree!

Speaking of my Psych. He is referring me for testing for ADD, well there’s a big surprise. I have been asking about the possibility for awhile now and no one would pay attention. I still think it may be the reason that even though I am being treated for my depression I am fighting with symptoms that could be from either disease. It really would be nice to lead a semi-normal life for once instead of feeling like a runaway train most of the time!

I am hoping to be back to a normal schedule here soon. As I said, work has been crazy. We’ve been really busy and being able to work in several different areas has played to my disadvantage lately. I don’t know whether I am coming or going most of the time. As long as I get my work done in a timely manner, I guess I should be happy.

Hey does anyone know how to get gravy out of a keyboard? I just dropped some in from my yummylicious frozen dinner.

Just two more things!

1) I want my camera back now dear, I really am missing having it with me!
2) No really, can I have my camera now?

Peace out yo! Catch ya on the flip side. (OW I think I just spanned a couple generations with that)

Warning, the following post is not going to be for everyone. If you don’t want to hear about the effects of depression, especially on myself then you might as well skip today’s post. With that said, off we go!

I have mentioned that I suffer from depression before. Some of you may have read it, if you haven’t then you know now. One of the things about depression that always vexes me is that even though I am on medication I still have problem days. Some days can even be pretty severe. Sometimes something triggers it, more often than not I just wake up that way.

Triggers are usually stressful situations. I can pretty much tell how the day is going to go when I wake up feeling low but the triggers aren’t as predictable. Unfortunately if you are going to try and live a normal life then you are going to be subjected to stress, there is just no way around it. You can try to avoid it but it just creeps up on you sometimes.

Usually when I have these lows I also have problems with a pretty bad lack of judgement. Things that would normally seem like a bad idea suddenly seem alright. When you act on these ideas it tends to add more stress when the consequences catch up to you. Whether it is a bad business decision or just the way you treat a friend.

I have been having that problem lately. I woke up in a funk on Tuesday and throughout the day made some bad judgement calls. When Wednesday rolled around it was time to pay the piper for my actions of the previous day. Stress followed and I was right back in the low again.

When I hit these lows it can lead to many things. Usually it is just me trying to keep from freaking out and crying in front of my co-workers. Not a good thing to do in front of a bunch of manly men. Occasionally it also leads to thoughts of hurting myself. Anything from a bullet in the head to just wrapping my truck around a tree. During these times the only thing that really saves me is my love of my children. That will usually dispel the thoughts of suicide. Two little girls who count on me to be there for them.

What worries me is the fear that someday that may not work anymore. What if all the sudden I can reason out that they would be better off without me? I am truly scared that it could happen. I have done some pretty wild things when I got really down. I have went through most of my life with an “I don’t care” attitude and I am afraid that is catching up to me too. I just have to keep reminding myself that I only want to hurt me, not the most precious people in my life.

I am drained now. Hopefully this post will help me rest tonight and maybe, just maybe someone somewhere down the line might come across this post and realize that they are not the only one who feels this way. That is why I write about my depression anyway. In the hope that I might just offer a glimmer of hope to someone in the same situation. That little thought nugget that keeps them going for another day!

Now I am going to take a chill pill and go to bed!