Now most people give up something tangible and easy for Lent like meat, sugar, caffeine,  or things like that. I have decided to make it more challenging, of course that also sets me up for a failure but at least I am trying. What am I giving up you may ask, or not, either way I’m going to tell you!

I’m giving up negativity! I am going to try my best to be a more positive person over the next 40 days. That means no sarcasm either, I may be in trouble here. Consider that I am being treated for anxiety issues and depression, that adds to the challenge.

Not quite sure how this will work out. I may have to lock myself in the closet till Easter. That sounds negative doesn’t it, let me rephrase! I am positive that I am going to have to lock myself in the closet till Easter!

I still haven’t heard anything about my disability. I am starting to worry that I have a long wait on my hands. It has already been a painfully long process and I am hoping it will be over soon.

My Crohn’s has been acting up lately. Lots of pain and a few of the other more delightful symptoms have been in full force. I am still on the fence about using the immunosuppressant, I just don’t think it’s a good idea to suppress my immune system, considering how often I get ill, it could be a big problem.

As usual, my depression isn’t getting any better either. I am afraid they will just keep throwing more medications at it till I am taking my body weight in pills each morning. I had several panic attacks last week, way more than usual, not sure why or what that might mean but at this point all I can say is oh well.

I think this blog has just become a place that I can go to and complain about my life. Maybe someday soon I will get back to posting photos. Anna and I have been trying to take bike rides as much as possible. I am severely out of shape so we are having to take it slow at first. It makes her happy and it gets me out of the house with my camera along for the ride. There are a few interesting things around the neighborhood to photograph. It takes me a few minutes to catch my breath before I can release the shutter though, otherwise the shot is just a blurry mess.

Alright, done, see ya!

I am sure I have mentioned my less than stellar therapist here before but in case I haven’t, he still makes me feel worse. Every time I visit I feel worse when I leave than when I got there. Any clues as to why that might be?

I am really wanting to get out and take some pictures but so far I haven’t had the time or inclination. When it’s nice outside I feel like crap and when it’s all blustery and cold I want to go outside, what the heck.

We are coming into the storm season, my favorite part of the year. I am hoping for some good ones this year as the last few have been disappointing. alright, I’m out of here for now.

I sleep excessively and when I’m not sleeping, I am staring blankly at the tv or a book and learning nothing. People have been trying to help, they have done things such as schedule events for me and even tried new medications. So far, they have failed.

I just wanted to let you know that I miss you and someday soon I will be back to my regular chatty self, I hope. At any rate maybe I will post more regularly.

see you later,
Jeff A

I picked this up because the Author, Jordan S. Rubin, has Chrones disease also. His was much worse than mine, he was pretty much on deaths door as he wasn’t responding to conventional treatment. He had begun trying everything that was recommended to him in the hopes of getting better.

The Maker’s diet is the result of his journey through illness. That is far from the whole story but if you really want to hear it all you should buy the book. The diet part itself is going to be hard as I will be required to give up a few things that I really love, the main one being pork. On the plus side I have already found alternatives to most of the pork products that I consume.

Hopefully following this diet will bring my digestive system back into some semblance of normality. Feeling this way all the time is very tiring and really doesn’t help with the depression all that much either.

I will try to keep you abreast of my progress through this blog when I start. I have to read through the whole book and prepare myself for this as it will be hard for me when everyone else in the house is eating something that I can no longer have. I have been dropping a few things here and there from my diet already so that I don’t have to drop everything all at once and go into some strange frenzy the first time I see someone eating bacon. I have added a category for this, hopefully I will stick to this and make some progress before I wimp out!

Write a ambling post about nothing just to appease the blogiverse!

I should be asleep right now, couldn’t do it. Tried, failed, surrendered.

Stopped taking the SAM-e for awhile to see if it might be the cause of my gastric disturbances of late. If it is I will be disappointed as it is the first thing I have taken that genuinely made a dent in the depression.

I was walking through the Sahara this afternoon, my side yard, and was thinking that right now Astroturf might not be a bad idea. I would be way ahead of everyone else right now in the green department. They say it is slippery when it is wet but considering the drought conditions that won’t be a problem. Oh, and it won’t turn brown when the dog pees on it either, stupid dog. Not that his urinary problems are having any effect at the moment but if it ever turns green again you will still be able to tell where he went!

I think I will try to sleep again, the pastor doesn’t like it when I fall asleep during the service.

Right now my head is throbbing and my hands are shaking, which is making it darn hard to type. Lots of correcting going on here. I can feel that weird skin crawling sensation. I really hate that part as it makes me very uncomfortable.

I could have stayed in bed right up till time to go to work but I don’t think my dogs would appreciate that at all. You know for as big as Basset Hounds are, they sure have small bladders!

It’s getting harder and harder to get out of bed and don’t get me started on work. It has been hectic there lately and since I am not dealing well with stress it is only a matter of time before something snaps. Hopefully when that happens it won’t be something that causes me to lose my job.

I have to force myself to eat at the moment. I just have no interest in food or eating. I remember what happened the last time I got this way. The only problem is that when it gets worse I won’t even be willing to force myself to eat. Although I have also been known to start binge eating when it gets worse. That is the worst part about my depression, I never know what is going to happen next because it seems different each time.

Back to the doctor thing. This is really bothering me and is making it hard for me to cope. Because I can’t even get these doctors to call me back I have basically given up. I don’t think I will be trying to call any other doctors because that whole rejection thing is biting me hard.

Sorry for yet another change to the look of the blog. I am going minimalistic for now. It loads faster, but only when the host isn’t crapping out on me. I need another soda to drink and there aren’t any in the house. I don’t really feel like going out right at the moment as it is too darn early.

I can’t imagine the toll this is taking on my girls either. Because of everything that is going on with me mentally my ability to take anything is pretty much nill. So the girls really don’t have to do much to send me into a screaming rage. I know it scares the crap out of them, it scares me too. I have never hurt anyone in one of my rages but like I said I never know because it is different every time.

I am going to go back to bed now and hopefully wake up in a better state of mind. I doubt it, but I can hope can’t I?

I haven’t been posting lately because, well, there just isn’t that much happening. There has been a lot to do at work and that has kept me pretty busy and too tired to blog.

The girls first day of school is Tuesday, I don’t know if I am looking forward to it or not. I always worry about them on that first day. Wondering if they are doing ok and finding where they need to be. Are they making friends blah blah blah. You know the drill right?

I need some more music to put on my MP3 player and I am open to suggestions. Yes Linda I already have some Replacements on there! I am looking for some high energy music, something to get the blood pumping! Let me know what you think!

My heart’s like an open book
For the whole world to read
Sometimes nothing-keeps me together
At the seams

Let’s see if anyone knows what song that comes from, maybe Linda? It has been a harsh week so far. Work is crazy, the world is crazy, heck the only sane thing I have seen so far is myself! No wait, strike that, my psychologist would disagree!

Speaking of my Psych. He is referring me for testing for ADD, well there’s a big surprise. I have been asking about the possibility for awhile now and no one would pay attention. I still think it may be the reason that even though I am being treated for my depression I am fighting with symptoms that could be from either disease. It really would be nice to lead a semi-normal life for once instead of feeling like a runaway train most of the time!

I am hoping to be back to a normal schedule here soon. As I said, work has been crazy. We’ve been really busy and being able to work in several different areas has played to my disadvantage lately. I don’t know whether I am coming or going most of the time. As long as I get my work done in a timely manner, I guess I should be happy.

Hey does anyone know how to get gravy out of a keyboard? I just dropped some in from my yummylicious frozen dinner.

Just two more things!

1) I want my camera back now dear, I really am missing having it with me!
2) No really, can I have my camera now?

Peace out yo! Catch ya on the flip side. (OW I think I just spanned a couple generations with that)