It’s time for some whine!

August 3, 2006 · Posted in Blogging the disease · 4 Comments 

Let’s start with some lyrics:

“Disciplined Breakdown”
Collective Soul

I never ever can remember
All the things that go bump in the night
Quietness uncovers
Betrayal now hovers
And my comfort levels not quite right
I’d love to stay and evaluate
But my torture can’t wait
It seems I’m losing ground
Welcome all to my disciplined breakdown

I never ever can decipher
Who listens to the words I say
While I sense I’m searching
I never know who’s lurking
To scare my sacred thoughts away
I’d love to hang and chat a while
But my mind’s become vile
It seems I’m losing ground
Welcome all to my disciplined breakdown

I never ever can contribute
To finding all the faults that sustain
Never mind the answers
To who spreads the cancer
When the questioning of why remains
I’d love to sit and rationalize
But my tongue’s become dry
It seems I’m losing ground
Welcome all to my disciplined breakdown

Breakdown Reality
Breakdown my ability to get it back
Breakdown honestly
Breakdown now deliver me
From all this madness and all this agony

This is my life, although the discipline is not there! Now for what I have to say!

I am tired, emotionally, mentally, and physically beat down and ready to give in. It has been getting more difficult to function everyday. Usually I have checked myself into a hospital before I get this far, but for the sake of my family I am trying to avoid that.

I don’t think I have ever been this far into a depressed state before. My mind races but never crosses the finish line. It is becoming more and more difficult to put on the “happy face” for everyone. I just want to curl up somewhere and cease to exist.

The great thing about all this heat is that I sweat so much no one can tell I am crying. The tears just blend in with the sweat. I have been doing a lot more crying lately too and there seems to not be anything triggering it when I start.

Sometimes I feel like I am drunk and actually stagger around a bit. It feels like I am losing control over my depression.

Scary?
You bet it is!
I am afraid to find out what comes next.

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